Yesterday we went to the store to buy soup. Well, soup among other things. Us being me and my university friend C, a good friend, a funny friend, a male friend.
And so there we are, tired and hungry and a bit strung out on each other’s company, staring at the soup aisle.
I like vegetarian. I like low-sodium, fat-free, no-msg. Vegetable and noodle. Maybe Just Vegetable. Like my lunch that day, Just Beets.
So I go for good ol’ vegetable noodle and then C says something about getting something with more than 60 calories per serving so we don’t get hungry and I go silent and he suggests lentil and I already have lentil soup at home but its for sure the low-calorie kind and so I guess we get southwest veg and we are buying bug spray now but I am still in the soup aisle thinking about that tiny moment over and over – because when in my entire life have I ever picked something because it has more calories?
And for three days we’ve already been traveling together and this has been building – he wants more food, he suggests bagels, he thinks we didn’t eat more than we burned, but somehow he says that like it’s a bad thing – and all of a sudden I’m so sad.
I’m so sad because when I came back from abroad and had been in the hospital and couldn’t eat I weighed ten less pounds than now and I could feel my hip bones in a different way and I felt confident in my body and my mom gave me the fit bit and it counts calories and that one pair of shorts fit again and that feels so good and when I couldn’t figure out how to smile in april at least I could burn more than I ate and we aren’t exercising like I’m used to and we aren’t eating like I’m used to and the control is out of my hands so I’m out of control and —–
It’s also about how the lady on the trail talked to him even though this is my biggest passion and how people have never just assumed I’m competent and when I do funny eating things other women don’t comment and its about being underestimated or just not estimated at all. And its not him, he’s one of the best at correcting himself and deferring but it’s the culture, it’s the society, it’s the trap I’m born into. What would it be like to have never felt too big in your own body? How would it feel to always believe I could laugh loudly in this house and sit on the couch and talk to the roommates and play videos on speaker in the kitchen? To not feel like a burden or a nuisance or someone taking up too much goddamn space?
And im trying really hard, im doing the counseling thing and being nice to myself and meditating and writing and trying to talk about it more and dealing with the past and finally opening up a little bit and whatever – and I don’t want to worry anyone but I don’t want to have to defend my choices anymore either when I’m just doing the best I can
The love-hate relationship with food mirrors the love-hate relationship with myself and I’m trying so hard but sometimes I just need to do the things that calm me down like eat the skinny soup and how can I explain that to someone who doesn’t know that soup isn’t just soup? and I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay, don’t worry about me I do eat enough i dont think my name belongs on the long list of friends with eating disorders, I don’t think so, I don’t think so